What life in Japan is really like

So, what is life in Japan really like? It obviously depends on who you are and where you’re coming from. It’s a really hard question to answer, but let’s give it a shot.

No one really tells you what living in Japan is really like. Before I arrived, I had heard a lot from Japanese friends as well as Americans who had lived here.

But I didn’t hear anyone mention the rigid nature of Japanese society and I quickly found out for myself that rigidity is a very useful word to describe life in Japan.

Rigidity in daily life

Once you get past the three 3 Fs of surface culture -food, fashion and festivals, the thing that really stands out about Japan is how people “do life”. You have to experience it for yourself to really get the Japanese approach. Only then will you know if it’s really for you.

I come at it from a US west coast perspective. As the stereotype goes, we’re generally pretty relaxed. So for me, everything in Japan seems more structured, more planned out and the added rigidity comes with pros and cons.

And you can get away from the some of the cons while enjoying Japans benefits, but being a foreigner does not necessarily insulate you.

There are a lot cultural ideas of Japan internationally. The subdued nature of people out in public, indirect forms of communication, the emphasis on the group over the individual, etc. Fill in the blank with your favorite.

And you experience these aspects regularly. Maybe everyday. But for me rigidity is the thing that permeates Japanese society.

There is no getting around that Japanese culture is rigid. For foreigners coming to Japan, some have better reactions than others to the new constraints around them.

Examples of rigidity

It’s hard to nail down this concept without using some examples. If you live or have lived in Japan, you’ve likely had similar experiences to these.

I’m going to give some examples that demonstrate ways you’ll notice rigidity in Japanese society.

Honestly, I think you can find the positive and negative in the examples below. In each situation, it really depends on what you value.

Here we go.

(1) Making plans

It’s your day off. You decide you want to meet up with a friend and have lunch. You text or call them that morning, and they say they’re down. It’s on for that day and you’ll stop by around 11:30 or noon. So, you do and off the two of you go.

From my experience this never happens. Well, it might if you’re at university. It seems to be the one time in a person’s life where they have scheduling flexibility to meet each other on a whim. I often find that making plans is a “weeks in advance” kind of thing – in some cases longer.

People are just really busy and getting out of obligations is not such a common thing. No one ever says “I’ll just take a sick day”.

There is one really nice side to making plans way in advance. At least, I find it’s something you can look forward to for a couple weeks while thinking about your upcoming schedule.

(2) Eating out

This one takes a bit of explaining. Let’s say you do manage to meet up with your friend for lunch. You go to McDonald’s and order your favorite burger in a combo meal. Right before you finish ordering, you ask for some bbq sauce to go with your fries. Now in the US, without thinking the staff would reach over, grab a handful of bbq sauce packs and slap them down on your tray.

But we’re not in Kansas anymore, Todo. The staff looks at you for a moment, trying to comprehend the idea of eating fries with bbq sauce. Next, she says that she’ll need to ask her manager and off she goes. She comes back a moment later and tells you sorry, you can only get bbq sauce if you order chicken mcnuggets.

I’ve tested this on multiple occasions and the result was always the same. The first time, the cashier looked like she was on the verge of tears. I didn’t realize such a simple question would cause so much stress. In fact, there’s a feeling like you’re pulling on the thin fabric that holds Japanese society together.

Of course I’ve long since given up on bbq sauce with fries. It’s a small thing, but it highlights the attention Japan pays to structure and an unwillingness to bend even the most inconsequential rules at times.

I say at times, because like anywhere else in the world, rules are broken when they’re not enforced.

Not just McDonald’s

Indeed, at any restaurant you go to, choosy customers will find that menu rigidity keeps you from getting that perfect meal. Can I add this topping? “No” Can I get extra of this? I’ll pay extra. “No”.

The iron law of the menu must be obeyed. Not a big problem for me, but I’ve worked at restaurants back home. I know how some people like the add and change out items on the menu. I was always the “sub a frosty for my drink” guy at Wendy’s. We really have a very “as you like” kind of way about our restaurant experiences.

Cancelling a reservation

Backing out of a reservation is not so straightforward especially if you are in a group. Recently I had planned to go to an end-of-year dinner with my department. when the day came, it was clear I had many other things that needed my attention. As much as I didn’t want to, I knew I was probably going to have to miss out.

Even so, I still ended up paying for my share of the dinner. The other organizing teacher tried to find someone who could take my place and cover the cost, ultimately I had to cover my “empty slot”. It felt like a real waste, but I’m sure the group, many of whom were hungry foreigners, had no problem eating a bit extra.

When you make a reservation, the restaurant plans for an amount of food equal to the number of guests on the reservation. They bring in the ingredients they need for that amount and don’t want to eat the cost if one person cancels. It makes sense from a business perspective, but it’s worth knowing especially if you think there’s a chance you’ll have to bail out.

(3) In a group

“The nail that sticks up gets hammered down”. Like most, it’s one is the first proverbs I learned after coming to Japan. It’s easy enough to understand and describes that group mentality we hear about over and over.

But a while back, a colleague and I were playing around with another expression, which is useful at times. “The nail that sticks up too far gets pulled out”. In other words, if you’re too different or too radical, you’ll be isolated or pushed out of a group. It’s not a common expression, but I find it often rings true.

For my part, in various ways I’m just too different to be in that acceptable window of norms for some group dynamics. I speak some Japanese, but lack certain native-like cultural conventions. Still, I’d say I fall more or less within the window that typifies westerners living in Japan.

Among a group of faculty, in a PTA meeting, or other “official” capacity, no matter how hard I might try, that feeling of not being able to bridge the cultural gap is always there. It’s not a huge deal, and life could be much worse. It just takes a little getting used to.

The upshot

Add to the language barrier a different way of thinking, different priorities, sense of humor, appearance and all the rest, and people may feel like you are too much effort. It’s easier to let you be as you are than to try converting you to a nail that is flush with the others.

And in general most people have no problem letting you be. So if foreigners can be themselves, what makes this rigid? Very simple. It’s in the notion that nails need to be hammered down at all, and that society only let’s foreigners be themselves. For better or worse, the same doesn’t seem to apply for Japanese people.

(4) Time

Imagine it’s the end of the day. You’ve finished your work and your boss tells you to take off for the day. You may or may not have experienced this situation before, but in my US-centric perspective, I can imagine it happening.

In Japan, there seems to be a certain value towards using someones time, as much or more than their effort. Indeed time is valuable, but one’s willingness to allow it to be wasted when the work is done seems to be equally so.

I encounter cases that seem like “run out the clock” situations. Meetings have to end at the designated time. They shouldn’t go over time, but they absolutely can’t finish early. Even a minute early. Department meetings, Faculty development seminars, parenting information sessions, . These are a few of my personal examples of two long, laborious hours down to the minute, as advertised.

I wouldn’t be surprised if that is where the sakura shitsumon (桜質問) came from. Don’t have enough to say to fill up the allotted time? Just arrange for a few friends in the audience to ask some softball questions you can smash out of the park.

More examples

Likewise, students in my classes are shocked that a 90-minute class can end 5 minutes early. It’s a way to build in some time for dealing with individual questions or sorting out attendance. Surprisingly, a lot of students will sit until the bell rings. Then the questions come, right when I’m trying to get to the next thing in my schedule.

On the positive side, the attention to time gives us things like punctual public transportation. Unless there is some accident, bad weather, or other delaying circumstance, you can just about set your watch to when the train arrives.

(5) Language

At times it’s interesting to see the formulaic nature of Japanese. This is a interesting linguistic aspect to compare with your native tongue if you have a thing for languages. Compared to English, there is less deviation regarding how and when to use an expression. The situation you find yourself in will determine words or phrases required for that interaction.

I’m getting into a grey area, and I’m by no means a Japanese language guru. Nevertheless, you’ll find single words and phrases for many individual situations. When something is cute, it’s kawaii (かわいい). When it’s impressive, it’s sugoi (すごい). A waiter will never give you an affirmative answer other than kashikomarimashita (かしこまりました). In most contexts, work-related emails always begin with osewaninatteorimasu (お世話になっております). Maybe I’m cherry picking a bit, but hopefully these examples illustrate the point.

In each required context, these words are inevitable. If your studying Japanese, this can be helpful for learning stock phrases, but it can trick you into thinking the language is easy. Those who’ve put in the time know it’s anything but.

Whatever the driving force, using one word or phrase with out exception to accomplish a communicative task is a real departure from English. It’s probably as much a reflection of my own limits with Japanese, but I often find myself going outside the lines. especially early on, I was trying to add variety in how I express an idea in Japanese when simplicity is more effective.

Rigidity and the foreigner experience

Above are just some examples of how Japanese society might seem constrained. If you’re here, you will certainly experience other cases. How much rigidity affects you really will depend on your own tolerance for not being able to always do things your way.

However, as a foreigner, you are often exempt from participating in less attractive aspects of society. For example, various group settings tend to come with a lot of cultural baggage. In most cases, you have a choice as to how much you want to take on “being Japanese”. It doesn’t mean you don’t notice rigid aspects of Japanese society and you will still feel constrained at times.

Still, Japan knows that conforming to cultural norms isn’t easy, but if you try, people will usually meet you half way. You don’t usually get roasted for speaking Japanese poorly. When learning cultural dos and don’ts, people will usually point you in the right direction or just give you a pass. At your workplace, you may be exempt from some of the cultural nuanced tasks or meetings that will keep your Japanese colleagues at the office later into the evening.

For most in the teaching world, that last point is really a luxury in terms of work-life balance. I’m not asked to come in to work on weekends, stay at the office late, go to a nomikai (飲み会/drinking party) or whatever other social obligations a tantousha (担当者/manager) can dream up.

Summary

Why is Japanese society rigid? I come back to the same vague answer. Relative to others, maybe Japanese culture values order. And while at times ambiguity is a defining part of the culture, the society recognizes it’s negative affect on creating that social order.

Having a rigid system of rules, practices, and conditions that leave no grey area helps maintain the “wa”. When you need to save face, ambiguity is a useful tool. But when you need everyone to shut up and just “do the thing”, rigidity steps in.

I’ll admit at times I struggle with the rigidity, but I’ve learned to except it. I have my workarounds and most foreigners who come to Japan adjust just fine.

I’ve had the feeling while writing that this article sounds a bit like a critique of Japanese society. That has not been my aim. In stead, my intention has been to give an honest picture of what life is really like as a foreigner living in Japan. To do that, you really have to peel away a layer or two of niceness in order to balance the good and bad.

However, a balanced portrayal is important. Japan, like most places, is somewhere between heaven and hell. It’s not perfect, but there are a lot of foreigners who never leave, and that should tell you something.

What life in Japan is really like – in one word

In this article